Contents
Chapter 1: The Search for Love
Chapter 2: How Well Do You Know Yourself?
Chapter 3: Loving Yourself, Loving Another
Chapter 4: An Active Approach to Finding Love
Chapter 5: Dating with Your Needs in Mind: Advice for the separated and divorced, mature romance-seekers over 55 and gay daters.
Chapter 6: Internet Dating
Chapter 7: Agencies, Personals and Other Ways to Meet
Chapter 8: Setting up the First Meeting
Chapter 9: Developing the Relationship
Chapter 10: Sex
The Relate Guide to Finding Love
Introduction
When a leading national newspaper commissioned me to join six introduction agencies and go on 27 dates to research the effectiveness of their matchmaking, I’m sure they didn’t realise it was going to be money wasted. I didn’t find Mr Right or even Mr Not Too Bad, and no-one seemed to think I was Ms Right either.
Instead, I spent one long evening in a pub with a man who compiled telephone directories for a living and had brought along the Bs to Ds so that we could look at them together. Another surreal afternoon was spent with someone who wanted to show me pictures of all his mansions in California and the helicopters he kept there for his international travel. There was also one nice guy with a ponytail and a sense of humour who I never called back because I was too shy and terrified of rejection. Mind you, he never called me back either – I wonder if it was for the same reason? Looking back I can see that, like the dates I was meeting, I wasn’t in the right place emotionally to find a new love. I’d recently had a bad split with someone and felt like one of the ‘walking wounded’, much too defensive and touchy to let myself fall for anyone.
A few years later, back on the love trail, romance felt less desperate and a lot more fun – or maybe it was me who was in a better place. Friends were answering adverts in the personal columns and having a great time meeting unemployed Belgians or Bolivian psychoanalysts. My gay and bisexual friends were enjoying a similar flowering and coming out into a gay dating scene that was as colourful as it was friendly and exploratory.
Then along came the Internet and, with the spread of personal computers, the romance scene changed again. Almost overnight, online dating websites started popping up catering to all kinds of niche markets. Within five minutes of going online, you could be chatting with someone who apparently shared your hobbies, tastes and preferences. I say ‘apparently’ because things are never quite what they seem on the Internet, as we shall find out.
So with this never-ending supply of PPM (Potential Partner Material) it must be easy to find love, romance and marriage, right? Wrong. Just look around at your circle of friends. How many of them are finding it hard to meet a genuine partner who doesn’t drop them after one or two dates? How many of them are saying: ‘There’s no-one out there for me’? How many are regularly having dating disasters, funny and not so funny: the one whose false teeth fell out onto the table; the exciting e-mailer with the false name who turned out to be her ex-husband; the man who seemed so keen on the phone and never showed up; the shy, sincere woman who turned out to have a husband and five children?
These true stories make entertaining tales after the event, but most of us care so deeply about finding love and companionship in a harsh world that these dating disasters seem to cover up some of the pain we feel when romance doesn’t work out.
Getting the Most from this Book
To get the most from our plan, we recommend you go out and purchase a journal to make notes in. Any department store will have a selection in luscious colours and patterns to choose from. Select one that looks and feels really good for you, and perhaps choose a pen too.
In your journal you will be writing down details of potential partners who have caught your eye. In addition, you will be learning a lot about yourself along the way by completing some exercises and quizzes. These can be fun and illuminating about your strengths and the inner conflicts or worries that are holding you back. Although you may be tempted to skip over the exercises, taking the time to do them will help you get the most from the book.
We also want you to find yourself a close friend who you can share your experiences with and confide in. This friend – male or female – must be someone you trust and wants only the best for you. In an ideal world, he or she might be someone who is also looking for love so you can support each other. You will want your friend to be a good listener so that you can share your experiences, a motivator who can jolly you up when times get difficult and an empathiser who can reflect with understanding on your feelings.
Is this Book for You?
In our workshops and consultations, we welcome all clients, whatever their sexual preferences – gay, straight or bisexual. The gay romantic scene is so huge and international that much has already been written about it but we have been keen to include some information and personal experiences from gay and bisexual daters. For ease, we’ve tended to concentrate on heterosexual and female daters but I hope any man or gay person reading this will find plenty of interest and food for thought in these pages and that it will spur you to take inspired action whatever your love interest may be.
The book is aimed at women and men who are interested in forming longer-term and committed relationships. If you are looking for a casual or a sexual relationship, there is no shortage of adult sites on the Internet where you can find people looking ‘just for fun’ and you probably don’t need our help. However, this book is for you if:
- you’re looking for something longer-lasting, together with a better understanding of your family background and the values and experiences that have made you who you are
- you want to learn something about the psychology of relationships
- you would like to overcome your personal barriers to finding love and friendship by embarking on a feel-good programme that will give you the best chance of success.
Once you start doing something proactive, even if it’s a very small change in your normal routine, you open up new possibilities. So let’s get going.